While you’ve been buying Christmas hams – I’ve been studying. While you’ve been soaking fruit for your Christmas pudding (you have? Fuck. I’m impressed) – I’ve been scrolling for kilometres on social media. I’ve been studying, scrolling and taking notes on the most influential influencers in fitness all in the name of becoming an influencer myself so I can get the Wretched – Anti Fitness Fitness Club message to the masses.
And after analysis and tabulation of my findings, I present to you: The (successful) Influencer Starter Pack:
A hot body
Fuck. Moving on.
Matching gym gear
Well this is going to be a problem isn’t it? Mostly due to the fact I refuse to spend $180 on an item of clothing that I will sweat, fart, chalk, piss, fall, kneel, blow my nose and dry off in the boot of my car.
A swag of glute exercises…
…and hashtags to boot(y)
#bootygains #bootylicious #bootycamp #bootyqueen #bootybuilding #bootyworship #bootyful #bootyfordays #bootypics #bootyyy (I’m sorry but how does #bootyyy have 819,000 posts???).
Olympic standard selfie game
With obligatory head tilt, hair strand wrapped around finger, standing on one leg. Fair to say I have never in the history of the planet in all my decades of life ever stood like this or be required to stand like this. Anyway #influencer.
Positive quote library
Obviously to go with the photo of myself in a pair of swimmers up my clacker as I do a glute-bridge/ photo of myself in a pair of swimmers up my clacker as I do a pulsing-glute-bridge/ photo of myself in a pair of swimmers up my clacker as I do a single-leg-glute-bridge.
- As soon as you wake up #nofilter
- Your green breakfast smoothie (when does a green smoothie stop being a smoothie and start being a disgusting cold soup? Genuinely curious)
- Your matching outfit before you leave home
- Your matching outfit in the gym change-room (head tilt, hair wrap, one leg)
- Your matching outfit on the gym floor (spoiler alert: it’s still matching)
- Your glute circuit #bootygains #bootylicious #bootycamp #bootyqueen #bootybuilding #bootyworship #bootyful #bootyfordays #bootypics #bootyyy
- Live video from stair-master
- Your matching outfit post training
- Before you go to bed #gratitudeattitude
And voila! Repeat steps 1 – 7 until you have 1.3 million followers and/or develop an addiction or eating disorder. Easy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯